As we approach the holiday season, I am honored to share another true story of healing and renewal. This is the saga of a woman who overcame loneliness and shame to embody spiritual strength and authenticity. Regardless of your opinion of the topics discussed herein, I invite you to witness the power of a soul courageously sharing her story in the hopes that others may feel encouraged and supported. The author’s name has been changed for privacy but she bravely relates her journey of self-acceptance and love in her own voice. Here is Chapter One of Christie’s story…
My intention for sharing this story is for my own healing. Over the years I have built a number of walls and defenses in order to hide and I now wish for a deeper, authentic connection with myself and others. Not only have I feared people judging me but I have also spent years judging myself. Judgment has not helped me. After hearing several times that I needed to develop “thick skin,” I convinced myself that if I could just be a little more self-critical it would help me. It didn’t work. Now I am peeling away the layers and inviting you to bear witness to my story.
At age 17 during my junior year in high school, I found myself taking a pregnancy test in my bedroom. My boyfriend had bought the test and brought it to me before school one day. I was too scared to buy one myself. Who might see me and what would they think? The results were not easy to read. This was well before the easier +/- tests that appear on a stick today.
I remember holding my test-tube up and comparing what I saw with the information on the instructions. It was confusing and I was already deep in denial. I told my boyfriend that it was negative. I didn’t tell him about not really understanding what the test showed and that deep down, I already knew the answer.
A few weeks later we went to Planned Parenthood and had another test. I was pregnant. The woman who helped me told me that I had “lots of options.” Yet there was only one option in my mind and in my boyfriend’s mind, too; I could not have the baby. Although she said very little, I could feel the employee’s disappointment in my stubbornness.
I scheduled an appointment to have an abortion. One of the things that I remember is completing the paperwork at the clinic and reading on their waiver that I “could not hold the doctors, nurses, staff, etc. responsible for any psychological challenges that I may face later in life.” I didn’t know what “psychological” meant so I asked the person at the desk. She quipped something along the lines of, “It means that when you are 35 and sitting in a counselor’s office, you can’t hold this place responsible.”
Although I was dealing with an unplanned pregnancy one of the things that I repeatedly heard from my parents, teachers and employers was my ability to deal with responsibility. I was conscientious to a fault; so I thought this wouldn’t be a problem.
When you are doing difficult things, it is hard to understand or even begin to perceive how a decision will impact your future. As a young woman, I simply wanted to move ahead and put this behind me. I was convinced that I was with a boy who loved me and wanted a future with me. One of the hit songs at the time was Jefferson Starship’s, “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” and it became an anthem for me.
I was already picturing our wedding, the place where we would live and how our life would look together. If we could make it through this, we could do anything. It would be our secret. But what he didn’t know was that I was already really good at keeping secrets. And I probably don’t need to tell you that I was wrong about our plans for the future…
Please stay tuned in the coming weeks for the next chapter of “Christie’s Secret becomes Self-forgiveness.” Simply click to “follow” our blog!
Grace and Clarity 