Grace and Clarity

This week we conclude our three-part saga about overcoming loneliness and embodying spiritual strength.  In chapter three we learn how one woman found healing and support through the help of those around her.  If you have not done so already, please be sure to read chapters one and two of this amazing story.  And now, the conclusion of “Christie’s Secret becomes Self-forgiveness…”

I’m not sure anything could have cut through the fear of judgment I felt during this time of disbelief and isolation in my life.  I was lost, confused and scared beyond belief.  I felt desperate.  My biggest fear were regarding what my parents, family and others would think of me.  I went to a confessional hoping to find some relief from my guilt; but even that wasn’t enough.

Later the self-judgment and shame would be the biggest obstacles I had to overcome and to be totally honest, I’m still working through them. Hiding behind the walls of perfection, busy-ness, achievement, care-taking and people-pleasing has robbed me of a deeper, more authentic relationship with others.

But fortunately, there are also various things that have helped me, including:

• Healing my body, mind and connection with Spirit. I feel an immeasurable amount of gratitude, respect and deep love for my teacher and gifted healer.
• Receiving an extraordinary message of peace and absolution through the gift of my Spirit Guides.
• Hearing another woman’s story and realizing that if I didn’t judge her, how could I possibly judge myself?
• Reading the chapter “Hard” from Carry on Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton.
• Thinking of the numbers of women who struggled with the same or even greater challenges.
• Experiencing the amazing quote, “One decision does not define the Truth of who we are.”

Sharing my story with people who have earned the right to hear it is very new to me.  I am able to do so largely due to the work of Dr. Brene Brown, whose book was a catalyst for this time of healing in my life.  Thank you for your life-changing work on vulnerability and shame, Dr. Brown! (I highly recommend her books to anyone dealing with situations similar to mine)

Sharing my story is amazing because trust is not something that comes naturally to anyone who has experienced any kind of abuse. In the beginning, I shared “tag lines” but never went deep into my story…until now.  And I decided to share in spite of the fact that my spouse often encouraged me to “let the past be the past.”  In truth, this is an issue of the heart and soul that needs to be revisited and honored, not ignored.

I wish I could tell you that I have achieved some level of clarity on the issues of sexual abuse and abortion.  Both are difficult topics to examine and I don’t intend to make them any kind of personal platform.  Instead, I am leaning toward the hope that regardless of what happens next, I can look at my story through a variety of lenses and feel less shame and judgment.  I have found that only by adding energetic and spiritual healing practices have I been able to find a deeper level of healing on all levels.  Perhaps sharing my story will help another person do the same.

I know that I am who I am based on my experiences.  I have experienced difficulty, I have the support of wonderful friends and I’m in a relationship with a strong, supportive spouse.  I have known the joy of parenthood and I am blessed in many ways.  And now, with every cell in my being I thank you for honoring my story by reading it and hope that it blesses you, as well.

For more inspiration, please peruse other selections from our Inspirational Stories category.   Thank you for visiting!

Today we share part two of our three-part saga about overcoming loneliness and shame to embody spiritual strength and authenticity.  The topics discussed in chapter two are very personal and reveal the devastating challenges of experiencing sex before one is truly ready.  The author’s name has been changed for privacy but she bravely relates her journey of self-acceptance and love in her own voice.  And now, chapter two of “Christie’s Secret becomes Self-forgiveness…”

My ability to keep a secret started when I was a very young girl.  A teen aged male coaxed me into his bedroom and had me perform sexual acts on him.  Decades later, my older brother confirmed in a difficult but much-needed discussion that he had had similar experiences with the same young male.    For some time I used this knowledge to mask my own pain, thinking that same-sex abuse had to be worse, so what did I have to complain about?  As much as I wish this to be the end of the story, it isn’t.

As a fourteen-year-old I was out with a group of friends and there was a boy there who I had shown an interest in.  We talked, he kissed me and the downward spiral began.  Although I said “No!” it was neither heard nor respected.  I didn’t fight hard enough for myself and I lost my virginity in that overwhelming and frightening experience.  I remember the intense physical discomfort that I felt for several days.  Who could possibly enjoy this “grown-up” sex?  I thought it was awful.  Some of my friends who were there did not believe me when I told them what happened.  One of the boys present took my side, but for all the wrong reasons…

Fast-forward two years and I met the young man I mentioned earlier who said all the right things, was very nice to look at and was inspired by my athletic ability.  He was the first “man” that I wanted to be with.  We didn’t have sex often; nonetheless in the surreal experience I already described, I got pregnant.  In my mind, honor roll students didn’t get pregnant; high achievers didn’t get pregnant; varsity letter winners didn’t get pregnant.  And young women who desperately wanted to please their parents, teachers, families, friends–literally anyone who would give them positive attention–most definitely didn’t get pregnant.

I didn’t know another person who had ever experienced what I was going through.  Sure, I had relatives who had gotten married because they were pregnant, but they were “much older” than me, at least 19 or 20!  (Two of the three are still married to this day.)  It may sound crazy that the difference of only 2-3 years was a big deal to me then, but it feels like a big difference at that time in your life.  I did not have it in me to become a mother or have a baby put up for adoption.

What I didn’t know at the time of making my decision was how difficult seemingly innocuous conversations would be in the future.  I felt ice in my veins when I had to:

• Quiet the stories in my head when abortion was discussed in political debates, overheard in “random” conversations, seen on billboards and  bumper stickers or highlighted in movies like “Dirty Dancing.” Regardless of the medium, I interpreted it as, “If you’ve had an abortion, you are going to burn in hell.”  So many layers of shame and self-judgment appeared out of nowhere to plaster the walls of my own private hell.
• I was horrified upon hearing a dear friend (who didn’t have knowledge of my story) say, “The only people who will burn in hell are the women who kill their babies with abortion.” This was especially painful given my Catholic upbringing.
• I was paralyzed by the trauma of having to tell my parents about my pregnancy because the man I was planning my future with (the father), threatened to tell them if I didn’t.
• I was frozen by paranoia when the next man I dated long-term innocently remarked that I had “child-bearing hips.” I silently obsessed, “Really?  Is it that obvious that I’ve been pregnant?”
• I was overwhelmed by guilt and shame when I heard stories of people who invested energy in the grueling processes of adoption or in-vitro fertilization.

Thank goodness for my spiritual practice!  For as I journey and grow, I am recognizing that these experiences were exactly what my soul needed in order to learn…

Please stay tuned in the coming weeks for the final chapter of “Christie’s Secret becomes Self-forgiveness.”  Simply click to “follow” our blog! 

As we approach the holiday season, I am honored to share another true story of healing and renewal. This is the saga of a woman who overcame loneliness and shame to embody spiritual strength and authenticity.  Regardless of your opinion of the topics discussed herein, I invite you to witness the power of a soul courageously sharing her story in the hopes that others may feel encouraged and supported.  The author’s name has been changed for privacy but she bravely relates her journey of self-acceptance and love in her own voice.  Here is Chapter One of Christie’s story…

My intention for sharing this story is for my own healing.  Over the years I have built a number of walls and defenses in order to hide and I now wish for a deeper, authentic connection with myself and others.  Not only have I feared people judging me but I have also spent years judging myself.  Judgment has not helped me.  After hearing several times that I needed to develop “thick skin,” I convinced myself that if I could just be a little more self-critical it would help me.  It didn’t work.  Now I am peeling away the layers and inviting you to bear witness to my story.

At age 17 during my junior year in high school, I found myself taking a pregnancy test in my bedroom.  My boyfriend had bought the test and brought it to me before school one day.  I was too scared to buy one myself.  Who might see me and what would they think?  The results were not easy to read.  This was well before the easier  +/-  tests that appear on a stick today.

I remember holding my test-tube up and comparing what I saw with the information on the instructions.  It was confusing and I was already deep in denial.  I told my boyfriend that it was negative.  I didn’t tell him about not really understanding what the test showed and that deep down, I already knew the answer.

A few weeks later we went to Planned Parenthood and had another test.  I was pregnant.  The woman who helped me told me that I had “lots of options.”  Yet there was only one option in my mind and in my boyfriend’s mind, too; I could not have the baby.  Although she said very little, I could feel the employee’s disappointment in my stubbornness.

I scheduled an appointment to have an abortion.  One of the things that I remember is completing the paperwork at the clinic and reading on their waiver that I “could not hold the doctors, nurses, staff, etc. responsible for any psychological challenges that I may face later in life.”  I didn’t know what “psychological” meant so I asked the person at the desk.  She quipped something along the lines of, “It means that when you are 35 and sitting in a counselor’s office, you can’t hold this place responsible.”

Although I was dealing with an unplanned pregnancy one of the things that I repeatedly heard from my parents, teachers and employers was my ability to deal with responsibility.  I was conscientious to a fault; so I thought this wouldn’t be a problem.

When you are doing difficult things, it is hard to understand or even begin to perceive how a decision will impact your future.  As a young woman, I simply wanted to move ahead and put this behind me.  I was convinced that I was with a boy who loved me and wanted a future with me.   One of the hit songs at the time was Jefferson Starship’s, “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” and it became an anthem for me.

I was already picturing our wedding, the place where we would live and how our life would look together.  If we could make it through this, we could do anything.  It would be our secret. But what he didn’t know was that I was already really good at keeping secrets.  And I probably don’t need to tell you that I was wrong about our plans for the future…

Please stay tuned in the coming weeks for the next chapter of “Christie’s Secret becomes Self-forgiveness.”  Simply click to “follow” our blog!