Grace and Clarity

Today we share part two of our three-part saga about overcoming loneliness and shame to embody spiritual strength and authenticity.  The topics discussed in chapter two are very personal and reveal the devastating challenges of experiencing sex before one is truly ready.  The author’s name has been changed for privacy but she bravely relates her journey of self-acceptance and love in her own voice.  And now, chapter two of “Christie’s Secret becomes Self-forgiveness…”

My ability to keep a secret started when I was a very young girl.  A teen aged male coaxed me into his bedroom and had me perform sexual acts on him.  Decades later, my older brother confirmed in a difficult but much-needed discussion that he had had similar experiences with the same young male.    For some time I used this knowledge to mask my own pain, thinking that same-sex abuse had to be worse, so what did I have to complain about?  As much as I wish this to be the end of the story, it isn’t.

As a fourteen-year-old I was out with a group of friends and there was a boy there who I had shown an interest in.  We talked, he kissed me and the downward spiral began.  Although I said “No!” it was neither heard nor respected.  I didn’t fight hard enough for myself and I lost my virginity in that overwhelming and frightening experience.  I remember the intense physical discomfort that I felt for several days.  Who could possibly enjoy this “grown-up” sex?  I thought it was awful.  Some of my friends who were there did not believe me when I told them what happened.  One of the boys present took my side, but for all the wrong reasons…

Fast-forward two years and I met the young man I mentioned earlier who said all the right things, was very nice to look at and was inspired by my athletic ability.  He was the first “man” that I wanted to be with.  We didn’t have sex often; nonetheless in the surreal experience I already described, I got pregnant.  In my mind, honor roll students didn’t get pregnant; high achievers didn’t get pregnant; varsity letter winners didn’t get pregnant.  And young women who desperately wanted to please their parents, teachers, families, friends–literally anyone who would give them positive attention–most definitely didn’t get pregnant.

I didn’t know another person who had ever experienced what I was going through.  Sure, I had relatives who had gotten married because they were pregnant, but they were “much older” than me, at least 19 or 20!  (Two of the three are still married to this day.)  It may sound crazy that the difference of only 2-3 years was a big deal to me then, but it feels like a big difference at that time in your life.  I did not have it in me to become a mother or have a baby put up for adoption.

What I didn’t know at the time of making my decision was how difficult seemingly innocuous conversations would be in the future.  I felt ice in my veins when I had to:

• Quiet the stories in my head when abortion was discussed in political debates, overheard in “random” conversations, seen on billboards and  bumper stickers or highlighted in movies like “Dirty Dancing.” Regardless of the medium, I interpreted it as, “If you’ve had an abortion, you are going to burn in hell.”  So many layers of shame and self-judgment appeared out of nowhere to plaster the walls of my own private hell.
• I was horrified upon hearing a dear friend (who didn’t have knowledge of my story) say, “The only people who will burn in hell are the women who kill their babies with abortion.” This was especially painful given my Catholic upbringing.
• I was paralyzed by the trauma of having to tell my parents about my pregnancy because the man I was planning my future with (the father), threatened to tell them if I didn’t.
• I was frozen by paranoia when the next man I dated long-term innocently remarked that I had “child-bearing hips.” I silently obsessed, “Really?  Is it that obvious that I’ve been pregnant?”
• I was overwhelmed by guilt and shame when I heard stories of people who invested energy in the grueling processes of adoption or in-vitro fertilization.

Thank goodness for my spiritual practice!  For as I journey and grow, I am recognizing that these experiences were exactly what my soul needed in order to learn…

Please stay tuned in the coming weeks for the final chapter of “Christie’s Secret becomes Self-forgiveness.”  Simply click to “follow” our blog! 

As we approach the holiday season, I am honored to share another true story of healing and renewal. This is the saga of a woman who overcame loneliness and shame to embody spiritual strength and authenticity.  Regardless of your opinion of the topics discussed herein, I invite you to witness the power of a soul courageously sharing her story in the hopes that others may feel encouraged and supported.  The author’s name has been changed for privacy but she bravely relates her journey of self-acceptance and love in her own voice.  Here is Chapter One of Christie’s story…

My intention for sharing this story is for my own healing.  Over the years I have built a number of walls and defenses in order to hide and I now wish for a deeper, authentic connection with myself and others.  Not only have I feared people judging me but I have also spent years judging myself.  Judgment has not helped me.  After hearing several times that I needed to develop “thick skin,” I convinced myself that if I could just be a little more self-critical it would help me.  It didn’t work.  Now I am peeling away the layers and inviting you to bear witness to my story.

At age 17 during my junior year in high school, I found myself taking a pregnancy test in my bedroom.  My boyfriend had bought the test and brought it to me before school one day.  I was too scared to buy one myself.  Who might see me and what would they think?  The results were not easy to read.  This was well before the easier  +/-  tests that appear on a stick today.

I remember holding my test-tube up and comparing what I saw with the information on the instructions.  It was confusing and I was already deep in denial.  I told my boyfriend that it was negative.  I didn’t tell him about not really understanding what the test showed and that deep down, I already knew the answer.

A few weeks later we went to Planned Parenthood and had another test.  I was pregnant.  The woman who helped me told me that I had “lots of options.”  Yet there was only one option in my mind and in my boyfriend’s mind, too; I could not have the baby.  Although she said very little, I could feel the employee’s disappointment in my stubbornness.

I scheduled an appointment to have an abortion.  One of the things that I remember is completing the paperwork at the clinic and reading on their waiver that I “could not hold the doctors, nurses, staff, etc. responsible for any psychological challenges that I may face later in life.”  I didn’t know what “psychological” meant so I asked the person at the desk.  She quipped something along the lines of, “It means that when you are 35 and sitting in a counselor’s office, you can’t hold this place responsible.”

Although I was dealing with an unplanned pregnancy one of the things that I repeatedly heard from my parents, teachers and employers was my ability to deal with responsibility.  I was conscientious to a fault; so I thought this wouldn’t be a problem.

When you are doing difficult things, it is hard to understand or even begin to perceive how a decision will impact your future.  As a young woman, I simply wanted to move ahead and put this behind me.  I was convinced that I was with a boy who loved me and wanted a future with me.   One of the hit songs at the time was Jefferson Starship’s, “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” and it became an anthem for me.

I was already picturing our wedding, the place where we would live and how our life would look together.  If we could make it through this, we could do anything.  It would be our secret. But what he didn’t know was that I was already really good at keeping secrets.  And I probably don’t need to tell you that I was wrong about our plans for the future…

Please stay tuned in the coming weeks for the next chapter of “Christie’s Secret becomes Self-forgiveness.”  Simply click to “follow” our blog!