In part 1 of our Home Study of the book Oneness, we talked about how to conduct ourselves energetically when confronted with difficult people or circumstances. By first pausing to connect to our inner stillness, we can then respond from a place of self-awareness and Truth. To review that lesson, please visit “Home Study: Oneness, pt.1.”
Today’s lesson discusses what our goal for any challenging interaction can be. Is it to convince others of our point of view, abdicate our power to the person with the loudest voice, tolerate an unappealing compromise? From the standpoint of spiritual growth, the answer is “none of the above.” Let’s learn more…
Today’s text: Oneness by Rasha
Publisher: Earthstar Press; Copyright, 2003
Study pages: pp. 43-45
Background–Most of us know how tempting it is to want to be right–or at least be viewed by others as being right. What results is an endless parade of interactions rooted in this deep need for affirmation. When we are able to convince others of our point of view we feel validated; when we must acquiesce to another’s reasoning, we feel devalued. Even when we “agree to disagree,” there is a sense of dissatisfaction when no clear victor claims the spoils of our emotional wars. Yet, most of us believe there are no other options when it comes to managing relationships and challenging circumstances. In fact there is another way, but our hearts have to grow into it, as described in Oneness, page 43:
“Once you have transcended your inclination to stage repeat performances of the dramas that have dominated your life (read: we choose to repeat our life dramas!) you are able to move forward to the next phase of the work at hand. The choices you encounter from this point forth represent opportunities to translate discord into harmony…to transcend the need to be ‘right’ in deference to the possibility of emerging with a sense of completion.”
What this is essentially saying is that we start seeing challenges as opportunities not to win, but to stop playing the game entirely. Instead of using an argument to convince others you are right, you can manage a disagreement by stating your Truth and allowing others to agree or disagree as they see fit. On page 44 we read:
“Your objective now is to recognize all encounters as the opportunities for achieving harmony that they truly are. By presenting your own perspective without attachment to outcome, you allow the optimum outcome for all concerned. By planting the seed of your intent without the need to force it into fruition, you best serve your own interests as well as those of others.”
Of course, the problem comes when we are deeply attached to a certain outcome, so for some of us a bit of preparatory homework must be done; let’s back up a moment and discuss it. As we know from the Grace and Clarity article, “Resistance = Suffering,” resistance in the form of attachment and aversion causes us to suffer. When we insist things go our way or we insist others refrain from actions we deem unacceptable, we are in resistance to any outcome but the one we consider appropriate–and suffering ensues. So before some of us can speak our perspective “without attachment to outcome,” we must do some deep inner work of surrender. I find practices that cultivate surrender like offering devotion to the Divine and cultivating faith that “all is in divine order” help us achieve freedom from attachment. Once we are at that point, we can move to the final step of the work as described on pp. 44-45:
“The objective (in a moment of conflict) is not to win or be right, but rather to recognize that the current choices determine what the next set of choices are to be. Winning, losing and begrudging compromise are recipes for repetition of the same script with a different cast of characters (sound familiar?!) But once you become attuned, you will find that you are less concerned with triumphing than with maintaining equilibrium.”
Maintaining equilibrium–who knew that would become my big spiritual goal? It sounds so NON-mystical, so unimpassioned, so full of…allowing. And that is exactly what it is designed to do. At this stage of the energetic growth game, our goal is not to win but to allow, thereby minimizing our own suffering/resistance and stepping into the Divine Flow. To get clear on what we must do to get there, take a journal or piece of paper and consider the following:
1. How often do I need to be right when in a disagreement? Who do I usually feel compelled to convince? Whose validation do I need the most?
2. When I get into an argument, what can I say to myself to remember this is an opportunity for resolution, not a battle to be won? (ex. “Equilibrium, not victory” or “Speak your Truth and let go!”)
3. With which topics do I have the hardest time surrendering the need to be right? (ex. politics, family history, past hurts)
4. Who will I likely discuss those topics with in the future?
Once we get a sense of what our trigger topics are, who we usually discuss them with and how we will remind ourselves not to engage in battle, we are on our way to success. I call it, “zooming out:” the willingness to see a conflict not as the interaction at hand but as the energies being exchanged and the damage being done to one’s equilibrium. Still, there is balance to be had–repression is not the answer, either. In the final installment of our Oneness Home Study, we will talk about how repressing your emotions can actually slow your spiritual progress!
Grace and Clarity 