This is the time of year when many of us interact with friends and family members we do not get to see at other times of the year. Some folks we wish we could see more often, others we choose not to spend time with on purpose. Perhaps they bring up difficult emotions in us: fears, resentment, reminders of a troubled past. Other times we avoid seeing loved ones because there is the feeling that we or they are not living up to the other’s standards. We are afraid to disappoint or be disappointed, so it seems easiest just to avoid one another entirely until the holidays dictate we all reconvene. However, instead of experiencing disingenuous interactions this holiday season, consider the possibility that you can truly open your heart to those around you–even those who have caused you to feel conflicted in the past. How? Enter the magic ingredient: allowing.
We hear from many spiritual traditions that resistance is the root of all suffering. Sometimes we resist the way someone is acting, which means that we have an aversion to what that person is doing with his or her life. Other times we resist someone changing their ways because we are attached to the way they used to behave and we want them to stay the same forever. Aversion (“I don’t want that!”) and attachment (“I want that back!”) are the two main branches of the tree of resistance.
Here is what the Guides have to say regarding how we feel about others and how releasing our resistance can help create more harmonious relationships:
“Resistance in the form of attachment or aversion is the root of all suffering–ever. Release your attachment to what someone is and they are free to become more. Release attachment and you, too, will be free.”
Of course this sounds easier said than done! Take, for example, the child who becomes a drug addict or the partner who decides to have an affair. It is difficult to allow when we deem such actions inappropriate. But allowing does not mean that we become the doormat of society. We can still speak our boundaries clearly and uphold them, while simultaneously allowing others to have their own lives. Remember, too, that allowing is not the same as acceptance. Allowing does not mean that you condone or accept someone’s actions as proper or appropriate. It simply means that you acknowledge that person’s right to choose, which is the freedom that all sentient beings possess.
I have come to realize that when I become attached to who or what I think someone should be, I am actually resisting an experience that might lead them to tremendous growth. Simultaneously, when I have an aversion to someone changing their ways, I must realize that I am holding them back from the route–however circuitous it may be–that may in time lead them to their greatest self-awareness. And let us not forget: some of us have to learn through pain. There are always those who must hit rock-bottom before bouncing back up again. This may be the case for some of your loved ones this holiday season. Instead of feeling sad for them, know in faith and confidence that all find their way eventually.
It is a tricky business, allowing, but it can be done. Consider making time each day this holiday season to ask the Divine to help you allow certain loved ones to be who they are. Spend some time affirming that each soul is on a unique Journey of self-discovery which will inevitably lead them home. Turn your loved one over to the Divine, asking the Allness to care for, encourage and guide that person as he or she travels through life. Always be sure to end with gratitude, giving thanks for some of the blessings on your own path. Then continue undaunted as a positive role model for others, standing firm in the faith that all will eventually arrive at a place of Truth and Understanding.
Grace and Clarity 